Fence Not Finished

The fence project has become a comedy of errors.  The start was postponed three times.  The wood came but no workers.  Worker is sick.

Then a worker showed up and dug the post holes.  Has the fence really begun?

Next day -- cement for posts put in.  Posts placed.  Work done for the day.

Friday worker completed half the fence but quit early -- not feeling well.

Today is Saturday -- no work until Monday. 

What really gripes me is that I have had to get up early in case a worker showed up.   I want to sleep in!  Tomorrow is Sunday and I'm betting they won't work on Sunday so I intend to have my much desired sleep-in.  

Aside from the irritation of the fence, the days are beautiful -- lots of sun on the ripe berries of the mountain ash, golden rod still looking nice, sun really warm.  Just saw a downy woodpecker on the crab apple tree.

Colchicums are blooming.  They always surprise me.  No leaves, weak-looking stem-like stalks emerging into showy mauve and white flowers.   The flowers are the reason I leave the awkward-looking leaves in spring.  By July, the leaves have disappeared and I have usually forgotten about them. And then they surprise me again with their autumn show.   

A Feel-Good Day

 I've decided to feel happier a little bit each day and to expand the feeling week by week.

Today I took a wee break from my loneliness as stood outside with the October sun at my back.  I let the sun enter my body and warm a small space in my heart.   The "I wants" and the "I shoulds" were pushed aside for a couple of minutes.  Looking at the plants softened and loosened the tension in my chest. I could breathe more deeply.  What a freeing feeling.

Asters are blooming like mad.  Shrubs look healthy and green.  Wasps are busy looking for what:  -- summer sap? lingering bugs? available eggs?

Everything is quiet on my street. The children are in school and their parents have left for work.  There's just me, a gentle breeze, and autumn sun.  

The lumber has arrived for the new section of fencing.  The posts of the old section rotted out this summer and a replacement is in the works.  The old fence is torn down and taken to the dump.  The new section will be up before the day is done--I hope! 

 

Time Goes By So Slowly

 It seems only yesterday when Mike passed.  Has it really been almost two years?  I purchased a winter bouquet saddle for the gravestone and that opened up a mass of memories.

One would think that my grief would begin to wane now, but it's still fresh.  I don't want to die, but I do. Talking to the pictures every day really doesn't help with my healing, I'm thinking.  But I don't want to take them down.  Not just yet -- maybe never.

I am beginning a major cleaning out now.  I will discard something every week.  After my fall last week, I realize that I will not be able to handle the house and live on my own for ever.  I'm going to have to consider assisted living sometime.  But the house is full of things Mike and I collected through the years.  It is time for someone else to love them.

I have mentioned to Kelly that she may want to look over what is in each room --  slowly of course -- so that I have a firm idea about what has to go.   She's so nice and doesn't want to think of the idea just yet. 

Lately, I've been wondering what shape I will have when I pass out of this time and space.  I don't think I'll become a little green man!  Will I have a body or just be a mind?  I'm beginning to think of death as a moult where I leave this body and at last return to my real self.   A butterfly analogy.  

I'm nearly 85 for goodness sakes!  Is there still something I am supposed to do or realize or experience before I pass?  I'm still hale and healthy -- not really death material yet. What a mystery the end times are!  Each day brings something different.

This year the maple trees have succumbed to something and have been dropping dried and tar-spotted leaves. The street maples are almost bare. They won't be giving us any autumn glory this year.  Is this a sign of climate change?  The earth is going through great changes right before our eyes.