Happy by Design

 It's been six months since Geordie died, and I am still looking for a happy day.  Have decided to manufacture happiness. 

I'm happy that I contracted with another gardening group to clear the overgrown weeds growing where the old pond was.

I'm happy that I let a burdock plant grow so I could see what it was like in maturity.

I'm happy that there are two big clumps of goldenrod in the old pond area.  They are lovely and showy, 6-foot high specimens as long as you remember not to notice the plants they have overtaken. 

I'm happy that the worker didn't do a perfect job weed-whacking the path.  Now I have a small, manageable areas to whipper-snip instead of one large one.

I'm happy that I sprained my hip.  Now I have a good excuse for not doing much for days and days.

I'm happy that I put the pictures of Mike on the hall wall.  Now I can see him and talk to him as I pass going from room to room.

I'm happy that I'm learning not to care who judges me.  It's nice being a solitary person. 

There are so many things to be happy about that I can almost give up being sad. 

 

Just Like Me

 A quote from Hila Colman: "She felt tears dripping down her cheeks, and she wondered if anyone would ever miss her if she simply sat here, drinking coffee for days and days, years and years."

And that's about it -- even though my daughter lives just next door and drops in to make sure I'm all right, I feel alone.  And I want to be alone.  Kelly is so kind and will do just about anything to ensure that I am happy, but only I can make me happy. 

It's hot , never the less I intend to work in the garden this afternoon.  The morning glories need to be planted -- the over-wintering ones are just starting.

The green growth in the stone walkway is ankle high and needs attending to.  I will weed-whack some this afternoon.  "Small, achievable goals." 

Still Missing Him

Friends tell me that time will reduce the pain.  It's been 5 months and still I cry.  When will I be able to have a whole day without tears.  I am trying to stay busy but loneliness overwhelms me without warning.  It catches in my throat and then the tears come.

Days fold into nights and into days again.  Time goes by but the pain persists.   Maybe tomorrow will be better.  I have a lovely picture of him in the hallway.  Whenever I pass it, I speak to him and beg him to answer.  Imagine talking to a picture on the wall!

If anyone else talked like this, I would've told them to get over it.  Is this intense grief another learning experience?  Today's lesson:  don't judge until you've experienced it.  I'm 83 for goodness sakes and still having lessons on being human.  

Mike Died

I want to write a piece about my feelings and my experience but right now as soon as I begin to write, I get all snively and  can't see the keyboard.  Perhaps I can finish the article next week

More To Do

 

I let my gardens go fallow this year – partially because I couldn’t bring myself to garden and somewhat to see what would grow without attention.

Now into July, the garden is a mass of weeds.  Garlic mustard is holding sway in the apple tree bed.  I really intend to pull it our before it takes over from the Trilliums.  The Solomon’s Seal in that same bed needs cutting back.  The hostas are lush.  Echinacea is blooming despite the lack of care. Goldenrod has reseeded itself all over. The glorious red Daylily has spread and is blooming like mad.  Rudbeckia is popping up both in the back and the front yards.  In the veggie beds, quack grass is in a race to cover any tiny veggies that the squirrels haven’t dug up or the rabbit hasn’t bitten off.

The pond remnants are almost gone. What’s left is a fairly large hole with two or three very large boulders and three plastic boxes full of water put there to take up space in the stream iteration of the pond. Also exposed from the former pond/stream is quite a bit of rubber pond liner and the cushion liner underneath it.  I need a knife that will cut through the exposed liner.  I’m thinking that the knives that carpet layers use might be the knife to use on the liner.  Maybe Home Hardware or Irvine Home Decorating would have such a tool.

Taking out the three basket-like plant boxes is a bigger problem.  I’m thinking that the contractor that reduced the pond to a stream used them  as filler. They are full of old water and some stones and are very heavy,  It will take some work to get them out.

Those plastic baskets and the two very large boulders still in the hole are all that I intend to take out now.  Those jobs and the task of cutting out any exposed liner will end the job of clearing out the old pond.  When they are done, I can then move the earth from the high point of the former pond out over the garden to make one large fairly level planting area..

In my dreams of redoing the space of the former pond, I see an area with some large boulders and some smaller river rocks spread haphazardly over the area with little patches of Sedum Acre growing among them.  I thought it would take about a year to accomplish this.   Now I’m looking at over two years.  I always think that I can find a happy worker to help, but I’ve not found a worker willing to tackle the job.

Pond Rocks

 

I definitely need some rock management.   I have many rocks from our old pond to find homes for. The pond was raised at the back to allow us to have waterfalls and lined from bottom to top with large rocks and boulders and surrounded by more boulders.  (Is there a difference?) That wondrous pond had to go when the great-grandchildren arrived next door.  We pulled as many rocks and the liner as we could near the pump to make a reservoir and turned the pond into a stream lined with rocks and with two waterfalls.  The children were safer and the birds loved it.

Last year we decided to demolish the stream when Michael was unable to tend to the intricacies of a pump and the ubiquitous leaks. We were left with many big rocks and some river rocks.  Many of the rocks are in that reservoir area and the wall section we made to raise the garden level high enough for a waterfall.  I advertised last year that I was giving away some rocks with pond experience and got rid of quite a few especially those rocks surrounding the stream and leftover wall from the old pond,  but there are still some hidden deep in the bed of the old pond.  Where to put them is a problem. Some of them will just have to stay there.  I’ll use a crowbar to punch holes into the old lining to allow some drainage and let that be it.

Living with Wildlife

Now I sympathize with my friends who look for help in discouraging deer.  Those are my lucky friends who live outside the city.   I'm a city person

At one time, I was enamored of wildlife in the city:  squirrels, chipmunks, skunks, rabbits, but now that I am trying to grow food in my garden, I look at such wildlife visitors as pests rather than guests.  Each year at seed time, the battle is on.  There is no way I can teach my wildlife that what is growing in the boxes is not for them. 

This year I covered the rows of beans with plastic mesh but the mesh was not wide enough for the bed.  Putting two rows of mesh down just left a thin opening and squirrels and chipmunk shimmied between the layers.  The pests found a fun way to get to the beans.  Imagine== a game with as many beans as you can eat as a prize!  A complete planting disappeared overnight.